


Took the Mask Off to Feel Free

by UnknwnIdentity



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Akira has a Palace, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, No beta reader, Ren and Akira are brothers, akira and ryuji are homies, can skip flashbacks!, im sorry, no shippy but if you wanna see it thats fine i guess?, notes will have warning, personas can talk to their masters, ren is best twin brother, sometime before meeting haru, there is blood but just enough for canon, there will be warning in chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22935223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknwnIdentity/pseuds/UnknwnIdentity
Summary: “Please… just say something.. Arsene you’ve been so damn quiet..” He hasn’t heard Arsene’s voice in weeks, the snarky but loving voice of his persona. Akira needed Arsene’s voice, he didn’t want to hear his own thoughts. The silence wasn’t something he could find comfort in like other people, he needed Arsene to fill the static.Curling in onto himself as his hands gripped at his hair, his shoulders shaking with each sob.What happens when the leader of the Phantom Thieves obtain their own Palace?
Comments: 9
Kudos: 173





	1. What's Not Beneath the Mask

**Author's Note:**

> There is a part where Akira does inflict pain onto himself (He bites his own palm till it bleeds by accident as he tries to stay quiet.)

His knuckles turned white from gripping the sink counter, his breathing shakily leaving his mouth. Every muscle felt like it was being pulled tighter and not releasing itself, his lungs felt they were collapsing as he breathed. “Please… just say something.. Arsene you’ve been so damn quiet..” He hasn’t heard Arsene’s voice in weeks, the snarky but loving voice of his persona. Akira needed Arsene’s voice, he didn’t want to hear his own thoughts. The silence wasn’t something he could find comfort in like other people, he needed Arsene to fill the static. Akira opened his eyes as he felt a looming presence over him, glancing up to only catch his own reflection in the bathroom’s mirror. His hair disheveled from waking up so suddenly, disgust rising as half his vision was starting to blur up at the bottom. _What kind of leader breaks down like this, like a damn child?_ “F-fuck!” Crying out as the first tear escaped from his thoughts and his knees buckled, his body crashing onto the tile. A gut-wrenching sob leaving his mouth, he couldn’t stop feeling the overbearing thoughts of himself. Of how he looks. Feeling himself lose to the battle of holding back the tears as they continued to cascade down his face, dripping onto his legs. Curling in onto himself as his hands gripped at his hair, his shoulders shaking with each sob. “P-Please Arsene… j-just say something.” Akira pleaded, his breathing was making him feel light headed and delirious, not able to calm himself down. Trying to quiet himself as one hand moved to over his mouth, only to taste metallic seconds later and the stinging sensation in his palm. His brain wrapping around and locking down all exits for help, he wasn’t worthy of having a persona anymore. He wasn’t worthy of having Arsene, having the Phantom Thieves, their trust. 

**_Ｉ ｗａｓ ｎｅｖｅｒ ｗｏｒｔｈｙ . . ._ **

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

Mementos always felt like a crushing pressure around his skull, able to feel his own blood rush around his body and his heartbeat hammering into his ears. Staring at where the velvet room should have been, where it has always been since the beginning. The space of the blue door was vicant, not even a trace of it being there once upon a time. _What is going on?! Why isn’t anything making sense!_ His thoughts screamed, his mask felt horrible against his face at each thought pushing through.

“I’m ready to kick some shadow ass!” Ryuji pumped up his fist as everyone was getting their items situated, “They won’t even see what’s gonna hit ‘em! Phantom Thieves gonna kick ass!” The energy of mementos may be dreary but Ryuji always seemed to keep the group going with their own energy. He could feel Captain Kidd boosting as well with the energy, having full trust in his human that they could get through at least a few more levels.

“Skull, you're going to attract them here with all that noise.” Morgona complained, “Be more like Joker over.” The cat pointed out their leader, quiet. Oddly quiet but he always seemed to keep quiet while near the spot, just staring off into space without breathing, something the rest of the group seemed to still not understand as he never tried to explain it to them. 

“Shut up cat, Joker is always quiet in that area, something like weird talking to Arsene or the other million fuckin personas he has up his sleeve.” The blonde snapped back, seeing Morgana’s tail already fluffing up in annoyance as they never seen eye to eye, another thing that oddly keeps the group going at times. “Aye Joker, you ready or is Arsene still calling you?” Joking as he reached to pat his leader on the back but stopped when Akira flinched. “Dude you okay?” Instantly questioning as Akira never flinched before at his gestures. Concern passed across his and the rest of the team’s faces as they noticed how tight Akira looked, not loose and relaxed like he always is. 

His heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest as Ryuji’s hand barely touched his back, he flinched hard and there was no way out of this situation without worrying the team even more. “I’m.. I’m fine, just tired. I stayed up last night to study for my history test next week.” His muscles felt exhausted, even his jaw hurt while he talked, a pressure that wasn’t going away and Ryuji’s closeness made it even worse. How much longer would he last before his ribs collapsed onto itself. “I was making sure that Arsene was ready, he hasn’t been feeling so well recently and is having trouble talking to me. Is everyone ready to go though?” His own voice sounded so foreign, but it had to be his own as it caught the rest of the team’s attention. Needing the topic of conversation off of him and onto the rest of the team. Seeing the now relaxed faces and the fire of determination within his teammate’s faces as they nodded. “Alright, let’s load up.” Was his legs moving on their own? He couldn’t feel himself control his body as the team loaded up into Morgana, not even feeling like he was controlling his hands as the driver’s door opened. Makoto sitting next to him on the passenger's side to spot any treasure that he might have missed while focusing on running over the shadows. 

_Arsene, please be with me. I can’t have any of them get hurt, you know that I love them…_

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

Akira panted as his hands and legs were shaking for exhaustion, he has only been using physical attacks the entire time they’ve been in Mementos, and his body felt so sore from getting beat around by shadows that he could normally overthrow with Arsene. He’s been barely doing any damage the entire time and knew he was dragging the team down, Ryuji had already taken unnecessary by pushing him out of the way of attacks that could of been fetal without a persona’s strength of protection. His eyes stung as he still couldn’t call out to Arsene, his mask still feeling horrible and oddly lighter than usual, no longer a comfortable presence on his face. Morgana already had been yelling at him to take off the mask to get rid of the Shiki-Ouji as Futaba has been yelling at him that physical and gun attacks weren’t working. Everyone was counting on him, he is supposed to be their strong leader. Someone that they looked up and believed in… How could he be their leader when he couldn’t even believe in himself.

“That enemy is immune to gunfire and physical attacks!” Futaba called out once again, trying to keep their defenses up as Joker wasn’t listening to her and continuing to attack blindlessly without using his persona. Trying to figure out why Joker wasn’t listening to anyone, they all were telling him that they couldn’t last any longer and they needed him to use Arsene. 

“Joker, we need Arsene!” Queen yelled as she was exhausted from using her persona an extreme amount of times, they never had to use this much energy on a lower tier shadow before and it didn’t feel right. _‘Makoto, I believe there is something wrong with Akira, he hasn’t used a single persona since we’ve been here.’_ Johanna’s voice shaking as she even had no more energy left to give anymore attacks. “Joker what are you waiting for!?” Dodging out of the way as the shadow already took down Ann, who was being healed by Morgana in the background to where the shadow couldn’t detect them. 

  
_Please Arsene, please damnit!_ His thoughts begged as he grabbed the side of his mask, “Arsene!” Yelling as he ripped it off, no longer feeling the pain as he did once in the beginning… But he also didn’t feel the surge of energy nor did he feel the presence of who he called. His mask was being held in his hand, his breathing stopped. Arsene never appeared, not even seconds later. He.. He had lost his power to call his personas. Freezing up as Makoto called for a retreat, Ryuji grabbed his arm and ran to where Morgana was. Ann had already been taken into by Yusuke, Futaba loading in shields around them as the shadow was getting ready for another attack. They had enough time to get away though. Akira didn’t feel himself move into the back of the bus, he couldn’t feel the way the rail tracks that caused them to bump. _Why can’t I use my personas? What happened to them? Arsene please, where are you?!_ Feeling himself curl up like he did the night before, not even feeling comfort with Yusuke and Ryuji’s presence next to him. Still clutching his mask that never disappeared into fire and appeared back onto his face.

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

“Can someone explain to me why Joker couldn't summon Arsene?” Makoto’s voice broke the silence after they had been driving long enough to have the tension like a rubber band, it felt like cutting into a heavy fog with only a dull butter knife. She was confused and upset that Akira was hiding this information from them, did he not trust them? Did he know that he couldn’t summon Arsene? Why would he put them in danger!? “Joker, you put everyone in great danger!” She yelled, not seeing the leader flinch at her voice, “Did you hide this from us? Did you know!?” No one spoke against her as they all wanted to know the same answers, why would their leader put them in danger. 

“Queen, perhaps we should do thi-” Yusuke tried to cut in as he hated the atmosphere of Memetons to begin with and this was piling on, but she seemed to be having none of that. A fire in a forest, she wasn’t done until everything burned. Her voice cutting him off, “No! I want to know why Joker put us at risk.” Her voice sounded shaky, he knew she was furious and backed down by looking to his leader that had their head down. Not saying a single word the entire time since he called for Arsene, that seemed to piss Makoto even more. _‘I believe Akira didn’t mean to put anyone at risk, he looks extremely distraught by the situation..’_ Goemon spoke, knowing his master was feeling the same way by the thoughts that were in the artist's mind.

“I… Arsene hasn’t...” The words weren’t coming out, he couldn’t form them. His act was failing, he needed to be Joker, to be calm and strong. Clearing his throat, “Arsene couldn’t show himself, he has been having trouble communicating with me about it, having trouble forming words of what he is feeling. He doesn’t know the reason and I've been trying to find one. I should have considered the possibility of him not being able to appear in battle but I took the risk and I put you all in danger.” Lying through his teeth, but it seemed to calm Makoto down as he placed the mask on himself. “I didn’t know it would end up like this and I'm incredibly sorry to you all.” His voice was still and collective, feeling the shaking in only his lungs but he had to put the mask back on. He was their leader, he needed to act like it or everything he has done will be for nothing. Akira needed this team, he needed… he needed them. “None of this should happen, I should have done better as your leader.” Saying to everyone.

“Hey man, none of that depressing shit alright?” Ryuji frowned, he hated seeing his friends like this. His best friend dragging themself into the mud, this entire situation didn’t feel right. “It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have known, Joker. This persona thing is still new to all of us.” Giving a small smile, trying to reassure them all. None of this felt good right now but no one should be at blame for what happened, they are teenagers, not adults who know everything about the Meterverse.

“That still doesn’t mean he is allowed to put us in danger by not telling us what was going on with Arsene or himself.” Makoto shook her head, “A leader tells their teammates everything, no hiding secrets….” This wasn’t the first time Joker had pulled something like this. “Maybe.. Maybe someone else should take over for now.” Letting out her thoughts, knowing that someone had to be thinking it as well. She wasn’t the only one of making someone else leader until Arsene was better.

Akira’s heart felt like it dropped into his stomach, everyone just looked at Makoto.


	2. The Secret Beneath the Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuji paced around the room, his leg was burning in pain from walking so much during school and now but he couldn’t just stand still or sit. This entire room felt so horrible and it was making him antsy. “This is stupid! Akira should be here with us! We’re going behind his back, we all are.” He could feel Captain Kidd trying to sooth him down but he couldn’t help but feel angry that they couldn’t do anything for Akira.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a flashback with Akira that does show child abuse but you can skip it! Ren does appear in it as I added him in to be Akira's twin but that isn't important and will be shown later! There will also be references in the palace of Ren and Akira's past, including the mental stability of Akira.
> 
> ((The flashback starts after "Tomorrow will be better." And ends after "Akira just held onto his brother, not saying anything as his entire body felt like it was shutting down."))
> 
> (Also this entire fic is happening because of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOJBcLlvsJg&list=RDpOJBcLlvsJg&index=1 so give it a listen to!)

“Maybe.. Maybe someone else should take over for now.” Akira froze, his heart stopping once she said those words. Feeling a chilling voice in the back of his head with the cold touch of chains around his wrists and neck. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t breath. Why was everything falling now?! They only just started, they had more hearts to change and fix this corrupted world! Letting out a deep breath that shook his lungs with anxiety, closing his eyes as Ryuji tried to push that idea away.

“You aren’t serious!”

“Skull, you have any other plan?” Makto snapped back.

His heart felt tight and he just felt horribly sick, guilt and regret clawing their way up his throat. “Queen, I… Until I can get through with Arsene, you will be our leader.” His heart was pounding, fingers curling as he gripped at his pant legs to keep himself from shaking. “I put you all in danger to hide my own secret when I should have talked about it. That’s not what a leader does, and I understand that now but apologizing doesn’t fix my.. Problem. I’m not going to argue with anyone about this decision, this is my request to all of you.” He was rambling but it was enough to keep Ryuji quiet with frown, turning away to look out the window. They were getting close to the entrance of Mementos.

“Thank you Joker.. I’m sure Arsene will be okay. This is the right decision for now..” Makoto said with a quiet tone, this entire situation didn’t feel right and it was making the entire team uneasy. How was she supposed to lead when she isn’t even one of the founding members? “We all should get rest once we get home.” Pressing her foot on the break before getting out and helping Yusuke bring out Ann who was still weak, needing a little help to walk. Ann gave a quiet thank you, his head resting on Yusuke’s shoulder. “Joker, Skull, and Oracle. You three can go home. Fox and I got Panther.” Giving a smile as the three nodded and exited out of the Metaverse, waiting a few seconds though just incase before knowing that the two got Ann handled. Yusuke looked over, his eyes squinting as she sighed heavily once the portal stopped rumbling. “Something is horribly wrong with Akira and he isn’t telling us.” She whispered.

“Is that why you made those three leave? Would be suspicious to just ask him to leave?” Yusuke asked, seeing her nod before frowning. Even Morgana looked upset with this entire situation, his ears pinned back. “Is… Is it possible that he could have a Palace?” Those words felt wrong to say but it was something even Makoto was questioning, “Morgana, you said Persona users can’t have Palaces. Does that include users that can hold many Personas?” Asking since rules didn’t usually apply to Akira and this was possibly another rule that Akira is breaking. Seeing the cat give a small shrug, “I don’t know.” Was all Morgana could say. The cat seemed to not want to talk for the moment, possibly too upset of how things were happening.

“Maybe we should all get some rest before meeting up tomorrow, we need a refresh from today. I will be sending everyone the address to my apartment, but we need Akira from finding out. It… will be a meeting about him.” Those words hurt to say but it was the only way from them to talk about it without needing to walk on eggshells. If they were going to help him, they had to do it without being held back from the fear of setting him off and making him hide farther back into the corner. 

They have to save Akira, they have to save their leader. For the future of Japan and the Phantom Thieves. Makoto sent them all her address, her finger hovering over Akira’s before turning off her phone and putting it to the side.

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

Akira threw his pillow across the attic, his breathing was rapidly coming out and it made his head fuzzy. He was losing control, control over everything in his life. He needed to control, he can’t lose control over this team. They were all he had, the only thing he could have any control over. His tears burned on his cheeks as his knuckles were dripping blood, the wall next to the shelf of souvenirs that he had been collecting over time, had a hole in it. The force of the punch left his arm and shoulder buzzing with the pain. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Yelling as he couldn’t control it, everything was crumbling around him and he couldn’t stop it. Kicking the leg of the shelf, he couldn’t stop himself. Letting out sobs as he crashed onto the floor, his knees bruised from the night before caused him to gasp out in pain. Pain was the only thing he could control in his life, it always been that way. Covering his mouth with his palm and bit into the same spot as before, he needed more pain. He needed to stop thinking, and pain was helping. **“You’re going to rely on pain once again and not even your own team, pathetic.”** The awful voice and chains surrounded him, **“No wonder Makoto took over, you’re no leader. You weren’t even a fit child, your parents threw you out instantly. How far will you fall!”** It screamed at him. 

Akira shook his head to try and stop the voice, his eyes squeezing tight as the saliva burned the wound on his palm. Releasing when the pain dulled, he needed more. “P-please stop it..” Gasping as the chains felt like they were constricting his breathing, they were suffocating him. **“This is what you wanted?! To feel so much pain? Here you go.”** It snarled, jerking Akira up so the human would face him. **“Such corruption in your heart, you were never worthy to control me.”** Watching Akira’s eyes widen, “A-Arsene…?” He gasped out, seeing that it was Arsene but so many chains were around his Persona’s body and horrible wounds, their wings were broken and didn’t look like they once did. His Persona was in pain… Watching as Arsene disappeared with the chain around his neck and, breathing in harshly that caused him to cough. _Am I hurting Arsene…? Is he trying to leave me?_ Shaking as he slowly stood up, hiccuping as he stopped himself from crying. Holding himself as he looked over and saw his reflection in the television. A child, the same child that had been pushed to the limits… Why was he so weak? He looked like he did all those years ago. Shaking his head, stumbling to the mattress bed. He has to be perfect, perfect for the team. They can’t see this side of him, only Joker. **He has to be Joker.**

_Tomorrow will be better._

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

_He shouldn’t have handed his mother the test, he shouldn’t have shown her the grade. “I-I’m sorry!” The child screamed out as they ran up the steps, trying to run to their room, to their safe haven. “P-please stop!!” Fear filled the small child’s body as they heard the booming footsteps that were quickly catching up to him. Feeling the hand grabbing his collar, and choked as the shirt slammed into his neck from the sudden jerk. Coughing roughly, and grabbed at his neck as he was lifted off the ground by only a few centimeters, his toes barely touching the ground._

**_“Don’t you dare run from me!”_ ** _His father screamed and threw him onto the floor, grabbing the kid’s shirt again._ **_“You ungrateful brat! How dare you fail your reading test, you’re an embarrassment to me and your mother!”_ ** _The first hit across his face stung harsly, already leaving a handprint on his small cheek which caused him to scream and cry even louder. “I-I tried-!” Yelling which earned him another slap in the same spot, his vision swirling with black spots. The other side of his face hitting the floor, his eyes shut so he didn’t have to see the hand coming down onto his face once again. But the shadow of it was even worse._ **_“Don’t you dare raise your voice to me!”_ ** _His father continued to hit him horribly for the next ten minutes, screaming horrible things to him._ **_‘ You goddamn failure.’ ‘You embarrassment.’ ‘I should've never had you!’ ‘You should have been adopted.’_ ** _Each sentence stung more and more into the child's brain until he felt himself start to shut down. After his father’s face was flushed red, he picked up the child by the hair and threw them into the room._ **_“You aren’t eating for the next two days from this failure, you will pass the next test or so help me I will tie you up!”_ **

_Slamming the door, not caring if it caused the kid to reel back into the corner. Akira sobbed, he didn’t mean to fail. He tried, he did try! Reading was so hard from the letters trying to move, Akira didn’t mean to be a failure. Holding himself as tight as he could, the corner was all he could feel safe in. Finching when the door opened again but it was a slow opening, opening his eyes as his brother slowly entered the room after hearing their parent’s bedroom door close, “‘Kira…” Ren said quietly before holding Akira close to his chest, feeling Akira grab on the back of his shirt. “I’m so sorry ‘Kira… I’m sorry.” His twin spoke, trying to comfort the one person who he had to protect. Akira just held onto his brother, not saying anything as his entire body felt like it was shutting down._

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

“Akira Kurusu.” The teacher called, looking up from her desk. “Akira Kurusu?” Calling again before sighing and making him absent, before going onto the next names. The kids in the room whispered, ‘Of course he stopped showing up.’ ‘He was only trying to impress the girls.’ ‘Hopefully he stops showing up.’ They all chatted as Ann pulled out her phone and texted the group chat that excluded Akira. 

Is Akira here today? -Pink Panther

Nope, didn’t see him at the gate. -Ramen Bowl

He hasn’t been on his phone all day. -Spaceship

We will meet up later about this, focus on classes for now. -Momkoto

Fuck that! I’m not going to class when my best friend is nowhere to be seen! -Ramen Bowl

He is at Lablanc, his GPS hasn’t moved all today. Relax Ryuji. -Spaceship

As Futaba said, we all need to relax. He is going to be okay. -Paint Water

━━━━━♥♠♣♦━━━━━

Ryuji paced around the room, his leg was burning in pain from walking so much during school and now but he couldn’t just stand still or sit. This entire room felt so horrible and it was making him antsy. “This is stupid! Akira should be here with us! He should have been at school and joked with us like he always does! We’re going behind his back, we all are.” He could feel Captain Kidd trying to sooth him down but he couldn’t help but feel angry that they couldn’t do anything for Akira. Akira didn’t even show up for school today which made them all even worry anymore, why couldn’t they just go and talk to him?! _“Kid, yer goin’ to need to calm down. We all know he won’t talk. T’is the only way.”_ Kidd spoke back, causing Ryuji to just stop and sit down. He felt so defeated from not being able to help someone who he called his best friend. Why did he feel so weak now? After everything they’ve done..

“Ryuji, he won’t tell us. He’s battling something inside himself and this is the only way.” Makoto frowned, she hated to see any of them like this but there was no way around this. “Akira had been pushing back from going to Mementos for weeks and yesterday is why he had been doing that, he’s been struggling for weeks and didn’t tell anyone this.” Sitting with her hands in her lap, “Morgana, have you been noticing anything weird?” Asking the cat as he was the one is with Akira at night.

“He had been waking up from nightmares for the last week or so, but I never thought anything of it. Last night he kicked me out of the cafe and told me to sleep at Futaba’s.” He hasn’t noticed anything too weird or out of the ordinary, Akira had nightmares from the beginning that come and go but nothing horrible..

“Of course the one person who is always near Akira is useless.” Ryuji scoffed.

“Hey! Aren’t you his best friend?! What does that say about you?” Morgana snapped.

“Shut up, cat!” 

“I’m not a-!”

“Both of you, enough!” Ann yelled, her hands were shaking. “This is no time for arguing, we have a bigger problem than pointing fingers.” She wasn’t feeling up to hearing the two dumbasses argue, it’s not the time nor place. “Akira is suffering and we haven’t even thought of a plan to help him.” She wanted to cry from feeling so useless but right now they were doing all they can. _‘Fret not my rose, we will save him.’_ Carmen spoke with a motherly tone.

“I agree, we need to help Akira and not turn against each other.” Yusuke said as he looked over at Futaba who was clutching her phone. “Have you noticed anything?” She was new to the team but she did hang out with Akira a fair amount. She shook her head, trying on the screen.

“Great, we can’t even figure it out.” Ryuji placed his head into his hands, sighing out loudly. “Maybe we can.. We can ask teachers? No, they hate his fuckin guts for no reason.” Fighting with himself, not hearing Ann cross the room to kneel next to him. Rubbing his back slowly, she could feel just how tense he was.

Futaba stayed quiet as she typed into her phone, the MetaNav opened itself and she was testing something out.

**“Candidate Found.”**

The team jerked over to look at Futaba’s phone, seeing her with a hand over her mouth as she showed her team the phone. Akira Kurusu was on the screen.

“Akira… Has a Palace.” Futaba broke the silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please fill this form out to help me in a later chapter!! <3
> 
> https://forms.gle/VPXmuELmDdYhwD7R6


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